The ocean cries
by CrystilTears
Summary: The team organised a trip to the beach where they discover some of Reid's secrets. WARNINGS- Past child abuse, sexual and physical and Self-harm. Could be triggering.
1. Chapter 1

Reid curled up in a ball on the narrow bed in his motel room. His team had just solved an awefully hard case. A serial killer by the name of Troy Lane had been kidnapping teenage girls and cutting out there tongues then stabbing them multiple times in the chest. By the time the team had got there he had already killed his latest victim and when they arrived Troy stabbed himself in the throat.

"If only we could save everyone," Reid whispered to himself, the sight of the bloody 14 year old girl permantly stuck in his brain. Reid pushed up his sleeves revealing rows of silver scars and old cuts which had scabbed over. Reid stood up and went into his bathroom. He locked the door behind him and grabbed his razor blade of the sink. He curled himself up in the bath tub and dug the corner of the blade into his wrist. He winced as he quickly pulled the blade across his pale skin. He watched as the crimson liquid flowed from the angry line.

He repeated this for about another 15 cuts before flushing the dirty blade down the toilet. He grabbed a handful of toilet paper and hissed in pain as he pressed it onto his wounds. They weren't that bad, a couple would probably leave scars but the rest were mere scratches.

He disenfected his cuts and bandaged the deep ones before making his way back over to the bed and burrying his face into the pillow.

His thoughts were interuppted by his cell phone buzzing in his back pocket. He uncurled from his ball and grabbed his cellphone.

'Morgan'

He cleared his throat and answered the call. "Hey Morgan."

"Reid, you alright man? You sound a little down," Morgan said with true concern.

"I'm fine Morgan. Why are you calling?" Reid replied swiftly, trying to get the conversation off him. He was deffinately not fine, he hadn't been fine his whole life. He was just a skinny, weak, emo freak. He would never admitt this to his team though, or to anyone. He was afraid he would end up like his mother; just like his father said he would.

"Well, our flight has been delayed for another day so we were planning to enjoy soaking in the Calafornia sun for a little while longer and go for a trip to the beach," Morgan sounded excited but the statement caused Reid's heart to almost jump out of his chest.

"N-no, I d-don't think I want to go. Sorry, I just can't," Reid said nervously, his face had became even more pale if that was even possible. His hand began to tremble as he remembered the last time he had been to the beach when he was 6.

"Aw, come on man. It wouldn't be any fun without our pretty boy. Anyway, you could use a tan," Morgan whined, he could almost hear Morgan's pout if that was even possible.

"I don't know M-morgan," he mentally cursed himself for stuttering, he only stuttered when he was nervous and Morgan would pick up something was wrong. Luckily Morgan wasn't in profiler mode at the moment and Morgan just laughed, causing Spencer to wince slightly.

"Alright kid, I will pick you up in half an hour." Spencers eyes widened and before he could protest Morgan had hung up.

"No, no, no!" Spencer groaned into his pillow. He couldn't stop the memories from overtaking his genius mind.

***6 year old Spencer ran across the sand leaving tiny foot prints in the yellow grains. His father was chasing him across the beach. Spencer giggled, thinking that his father was just joking around. His father only got angry at him when he had been drinking. He was so wrong. "How dare you run away from your father, Spencer! You fucking weakling! Your crazy just like your mother!" William growled, causing Spencer to freeze. Tears stung his eyes as he realised his father hadn't been joking. He felt a strong hand grab his hair causing him to whimper as his father pulled at the roots making his scalp burn. "I-I am so sorry, sir. I thought y-you were p-playing," Young Reid squeaked. His Dad chuckled and began dragging him towards the water by his hair causing him to scream in pain.***

Spencer was drawn out of his thoughts by a knock at the door. Reid sighed and sat up on the edge of his bed. He slowly made his way over to the door. He took a deep breath and turned the silver doorknob.

Morgan stood there with a stupid grin on his face and a towel wrapped around his shoulders.

"You can't wear long sleeves to the beach Reid, or long pants for that matter." Reid wrapped his arms around his stomach and shrugged. He could feel his scars and cuts tingling on his wrists and fore arms. It may have only been an hour ago that he had cut but the urges had come back already. "Come to think about it, I don't think I have seen you wearing anything but long sleeves," Morgan stated, his eyes scanning Reids arms. Reid just shrugged for the second time and closed the door behind him.

"I just feel more comfortable with long sleeves," Reid said calmly, proud that he didn't stutter.

"Whatever pretty boy," Morgan muttered, wrapping a friendly arm around Reid's shoulders. Reid put on a fake smile and followed morgan our to his car.

000

Reid gulped, his eyes wide with fear as he saw the waves crash agianst the sand.

"You will have to swim in your boxers, Reid. We will make sure to get lots of pictures, don't worry," Morgan teased. Reid's eyes rounded even ruther and he immiadiatly shook his head.

"I am not swimming, you can't make me," Reid refused, eyes focusing on his hands which were laying in his lap.

"Whatever," Morgan shrugged, not noticing the fear in Spencers voice.

Reid opened the door, cringing as the salty smell of the ocean hit him in the nose. His legs felt like jelly as he stepped onto the sand underneath him. The minute his shoe touched the ground it sent shivers up his spine. Suddenly his mouth went dry and his whole body felt numb. He completely froze.

*** "Dad! What are you doing! Daddy!" Spencer shrieked as his father dragged him into the water by his hair. His father slapped him harshly across the face before dunking his head under the water. Spencer violently thrashed agianst his father. He could feel his face turning blue as he desprately tried to hold onto the little air in his lungs. Just when he thought he was going to pass out his father yanked his head back up above the water. Slencer greedily gulped in the salty air before his father let go of his hair and kicked him in the ribs forcing him back under the water. Spencer felt his fathers foot dig into his back so he couldn't swim back up. He couldn't hold on this time, black spots danced in his vision and he felt his lungs scream as they filled up with water***

"You coming Kid?"

"Sorry, I was just thinking. I'm coming."

000

Reid walked behind Morgan, keeping his head hung low so his bangs fell into his eyes, hiding the fear in their hazel depths.

"Morgan! Reid! Over here!" I heard J.J. call. I looked up and found the team sat out on a red blanket close to the water.

"What are you wearing Reid?" Emily asked.

"Pretty boy doesn't want to get his hair wet," Morgan snorted, nudging Reid playfully in the ribs. Reid flinched, remembering his fathers shoe hitting the exact same spot.

"You ok Reid?" Hotch asked.

"I'm fine, Hotch," Reid murmered, sitting himself down on the red blanket.

000

Reid sat alone on the sand, watching his friends splash around in the water laughing and having fun. They didn't pay much attention to Reid apart from the occasional worried glance or smile. For that Reid was extremely greatful. He didn't want to ruin their fun by causing them to worry over him, he wasn't worth it.

*** His eyelids fluttered and his vision was hit with a powerful white light. He groaned, snapping his eyes closed agian. He got about 20 seconds of peace before he felt a hand moving up his thigh. His body shot up and he realised he was still at the beach but it was dark now and the moon shone in the black sky. He heard his Dad chuckle and that's when he realised he was completely naked. He looked up to see his father zipping down his pants and shoving himself into Spencers mouth.***

"Reid! Spencer, what are you doing?" He heard J.J. gasp. He realised that he had his legs drawn up to his chest and his face was burried onto his knees. The worst part was his hands had latched into his hair and he was pulling as hard as he could, his body desperately trying to pull himself out of his mind.

Spencer slowly took his hands out of his hair and let them wrap around his legs.

"S-sorry, I didn't know I was doing t-that," Spencer croaked, his voice a low whisper. J.J. sat down next to Reid and offered him a warm smile.

"Reid, I know something is wrong. We all know, please tell me. The team is extremely worried, specially Morgan," J.J. said softly. Reid glaced up at her through his hair and quickly wiped away the tear that escaped his eye. "We're your family Reid." J.J. added quietly.


	2. Chapter 2

Reid shook his head and a sob escaped his chest.

"I...I can't tell you," Reid croaked, pulling his legs in even tighter. J.J. wrapped her arms around Reid.

"Shh, you can tell me anything. Spencer," J.J. whispered into his ear, gently rubbing his shoulder.

"You will think I'm a freak," Reid sobbed, leaning into J.J. Her blue eyes softened even more as she felt her heart break. She knew the team were staring at them but they remained in the water, not wanting to crowd their little genius.

"Don't be silly Spence. We are here for you no matter what," J.J. replied sweetly. She gave Reid a kind smile but honestly she was scared out of her mind for Spencer. What could possibly make him this upset?

"T-the last time I went to a b-beach was when I was 6, with my father before he left us..." Reid began hesitantly. "H-he was chasing me across the beach, I was laughing. He suddenly s-snapped and grabbed my hair..." Reid stopped, his stomach doing nervous backflips.

"It's ok Spencer, keep going," J.J. said. She honestly didn't want to know the rest but she needed to keep listening for Spence. Reid took a deep breath and kept going.

"He was yelling at me and he dragged me into the water. He hit me and then he pushed my head under the water," Reid stopped agian, his hazel eyes distant and his face as white as a ghost. J.J. was about to tell him to keep going but he had already continued. "I thought he was going to kill me. He suddenly brought me back up and I thought he was finished but by the time I got my breath back he let go of my hair and kicked me back down under the water. He held me down with his foot and I ended up passing out," Reid's voice was hollow and ashamed.

"What happened after that Spence?" J.J. asked, tears silently rolling down her cheeks. She couldn't believe what she was hearing from their Spencer.

"I woke up and it was night time, I was completely naked and..." Reid gasped, he felt a panic attack coming on. His whole body shook and his lungs ached.

"Spencer, calm down. It's ok. Shh sweetie, you don't have to keep going," J.J. cooed, running a gentle hand through his hair.

"H-he.. he r-r-raped me," Reid said, his voice a quiet whisper. To begin with Reid wasn't sure if J.J. had heard him. He knew he was wrong when J.J.'s body stiffened and he heard her curse under her breath.

"Oh Spence, it will be ok. That SOB can never hurt you agian," J.J. almost burst into tears as he heard Spencer reply with a small whimper.


	3. Chapter 3

"Do you want me to take you home?" J.J. offered kindly. Spencer shook his head and detached himself from J.J.

"No, I'm fine. You should go have fun with them, I'm holding you back," Reid's voice was dry and emotionless, his hazel eyes seemed dead and hollow. "I'm sorry," He said into his arm as he dried his eyes on his sleeve.

"Spence, you aren't holding anyone back. You didn't ask for me to come over here, did you? It's ok, I wanted to know if you were ok. We care about you Spencer," J.J. replied, her voice firm but comforting. Reid gave J.J. a watery smile before nodding.

000

Reid sat in complete silence as Morgan drove them back to his motel. He looked like he was in some sort of transe. His eyes focused on the road before them. Morgan swore thag he didn't even blink.

Reid's mind played what his father did to him over and over agian. His body basically shut down. He felt dead. There was only one thing that would make him feel alive agian.

The car stopped and Spencers body snapped to attention. He winced, all of his body ached. He was just about to open the door but Morgan gently grasped his shoulder. Reid's eyes focused on his shoes, he could feel his stomach screaming with anxiety.

"You ok kid?" Morgan asked. Reid didn't answer and just shrugged Morgan's hand off and slammed the car door behind him. He pretty much bolted into his room. He didn't even make it to his bed before falling to the ground in a broken pile of limbs.

What J.J. said couldn't possibly be true. His team thought he was just a selfish know-it-all who can't keep his mouth shut. He wasn't part of their family, they couldn't possible care about a selfish weakling.

Heart breaking sobs broke free from his throat and tears flowed like a waterfall down his cheeks. He knew what he had to do, the only thing that would chase away the tightness in his lungs.

He shot up to his feet, swaying a little at the sudden wave of dizzyness. He stumbled to the bathroom and snatched his razor blade. Falling to the cold tiles he swiftly pulled his sleeve up and dragged the blade angrily across his skin.

His mind went completely blank as he attacked his arm. Cut after cut, cut after cut, cut after cut.

This was his the only real thing left in his life. Pain. The blood. He needed it to keep going, to keep him sane. If he didn't do it he would end up like his mother. He needed to prove to his father he was better than that. He wasn't weak, he was strong. He could handle the pain.

He finally stopped and his mind re-entered the land of reality. His eyes bulged at his arm and the puddle of blood surrounding him. He has never gone this deep before. This wasn't good. Maybe he was weak and his father was right all along.

He had lost so much blood and his arm was a complete mess, he wouldn't be supprised if he had actually reached bone. "Morgan..." he murmered before he passed out.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Morgan stayed parked in the carpark of the motel Reid was staying in. Reid always insisted that he stay somewhere different than the rest of the team. They didn't like the idea at first but they got use to it. They thought he was just really introverted and liked his privacy.

Morgan's heart shattered when he saw J.J. comforting a crying Reid at the beach. There had to be something incredibley wrong for him to break down like that. Specially infront of his team and in public. He needed to know what was wrong with Spencer and he wouldn't stop until he found out. Reid was like a geeky little brother to him.

He dialed J.J.'s number. He doubted she would tell him what was wrong with Reid but he needed to try.

"Hey J.J. I just dropped Reid off and he pretty much bolted from the car. Can you tell me what's upsetting him. Please, he's our kid and I don't want him to do anything stupid," Morgan said with concern.

"I really don't think he would want me to tell you. It's up to him, it's his choice," J.J. replied.

"You know Reid, he will keep this inside until he breaks. He needs help to get through whatever it is before he hurts himself. What if he starts using drugs agian?" Morgan hated saying this to her but needed to make J.J. understand that he needed to know. J.J. stopped in her tracked and her heart broke. She took a harsh breath and sighed with defeat.

"Fine, only for our Spence," She sighed.

Morgan sat with his mouth hung wide open the whole time. He felt his face pale and his body go numb with fear and complete disgust towards Reid's father.

"Sonofabitch. I'm going to tear that disgusting man apart piece by fucking piece," Morgan growled, his hand making a fist around the phone.

"Morgan, calm down. Please just go see if he's ok," J.J. pleaded softly.

000

Spencer stood infront of his mother, his head bowed in shame. They were surrounded by darkness, he couldn't see anything other than his mother. Everything else was black and grey mist swirled around them.

"Oh no, what have you done kiddo," His mother yelled, her boney hands covered in blood as she grasped his mangled wrist.

"I'm sorry," Spencer whispered, standing in a puddle of his own blood. The room started spinning and he fell to the ground.

"Stay with me, pretty boy," she said. Her sweet, loving voice morphed into a strong, manly voice. He knew who that voice belonged to.

"Morgan?" The word pulled at his lips but he couldn't make any sound. He tried agian. He couldn't talk. His throat was completely dry.

"You can fight this Spencer," she whispered in Morgan's voice, brushing a rogue hair from his face. "Stay with me. Help is coming." It was so strange with Morgan's voice coming from his sweet, loving mother. He knew his mother was right. He could fight this. He felt a fire ignite in his stomach, his lips twitched into a hopeful smile.

"No, you're weak. Weak and disgusting," a voice in his head hissed. An invisible force kicked him in the stomach, putting out he fire if hope. Spencer screamed at the voice, but all that came out was a strangled groan.

"Give up," the voice snarled. "Give up. You're weak. Just a know-it-all, selfish weakling. Give up."

Tears flooded down his face. The fire in his stomach found a new source of energy.

Anger.

"I'M NOT WEAK!" He cried, his fingers clawing at his hair trying to kill the demons poisoning his genius mind.

"That's my boy," his mother smiled, fading away into the mist.

000

Morgan found Spencer unconsious on the bathroom floor in a puddle of his own blood. His right arm was cut open and mangled. A razor blade was clutched weakly in his other hand. His left arm glimmered with silver scars and his stomach turned. The kid had been cutting himself.

He had read about self injurey but he never expected anything like that from Spencer. He also read that people who self harm are prone to suicide, is that what this was? A suicide attempt? Or did he just go too far.

He dove to his knees and grabbed a towel, wrapping it tightly around his arm.

"Oh no, what have you done kiddo?" He yelled, tightening the towel even more.

About two minutes later the white fabric was already stained crimson. He frantically dialed 911.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Sweat dripped down Morgan's face as he desprately tried to slow down the blood flow until the ambulance arrived.

Spencer began to stir and his eyes fluttered open halfway. Spencer's eyes flicked around the room but he didn't seem to actually be seeing anything. It was like he was in some other world.

"I'm... not... weak," he mumbled, his hazel eyes widening with determination.

"That's right, stay with me Kid," Morgan said with a smile.

"M... Morgan?" His voice was hoarse and he was obviously feeling very weak.

"Right here," Morgan said softly, giving Spencer a friendly smile and encouraging nod.

"I'm... sorry," Spencer whispered before his eyes rolled back into his sockets and his body went limp.

"Spencer!" He shouted. He felt his heart stop. His head ached like he was going to pass out. He couldn't loose Reid, not like this. Not after he found out what his father did to him. He desprately pressed two fingers into Reid's neck underneath his jaw. His whole body relaxed as his fingers were welcomed with a pulse. It was very weak but with every pump there was hope.

"That ambulance better get her real soon," Morgan muttered. Just as the words escaped his mouth sirens sung in the distance.

000

Hotch was waken up by his phone ringing. He groaned and reached out for the phone.

"SSA Erin Hotchner," He yawned into the phone.

"Hotch, It's Morgan," Morgan replied, his voice was rough and he seemed very anxious.

"What's going on?"

"I'm at the hostipal, there has been an... accident," the last word seemed hesitant.

"Accident? Are you ok?' Hotch said alarmingly, furrowing his eyebrows with worry.

"I'm fine, it's Reid." Hotch's stomach did a black flip at Morgan's words. His mind went back to a crying Reid at the beach.

"I will be there as soon as I can," Hotch said before hanging up and grabbing his keys.

Hotch all but sprinted to his car, not even caring thay he was wearing a pair of black sweat pants and a grey Tshirt. He drove atleast 10 over the speed limit trying to get to the hostipal. His body was tense and he was focused on the road. Swirving between cars and impatiently tapping his foot at red lights. The stars winked and danced in the night sky. Usually he would have taken time to admire what a lovely night it was but the only thing he was worried about was getting to Reid and making sure he was ok.

Reid was a fighter, maybe not physically like Morgan but mentally he was the strongest out of all of them. Whatever had happened he knew Reid would get through it ok.

A/N- I know my writing isn't very good and my chapters are really short. I'm trying to improve and if you have any advice feel free to message me or maybe even a review. Thanks for reading :)


	6. Chapter 6

"Right this way agent," The Asian nurse smiled sweetly at Hotch. Her raven black hair was tied up in a messy pony tail and her hazel eyes were friendly and comforting.

Hotch followed the nurse down the hallways until they found Morgan slouched agianst a wall. He was impatiently tapping his foot and his jaw was firm. He looked as nervous as a turkey on thanks giving.

Hotch disregarded the kind nurse and hurried over to Morgan. "What happened?" He asked worriedly.

"I don't know... I went to check on him... his arm... there was blood everywhere," Morgan said quickly between breaths.

"Calm down Morgan, he will be fine," Hotch said. Morgan was almost as confused as he was. Did someone attack him? He had no idea.

"It sure wont be fucking fine! The kid has been cutting himself! We are suppose to be profilers god dammit!" Morgan yelled, his eyes blazing with self loathing.

The pieces had been put together for Hotch and he hissed under his breath.

"This isn't our fault Morgan, you couldn't have expected us to know that he would do that to himself... He is smarter than all of us," Hotch placed a firm hand onto Morgan's shoulder.

"Well he is obviously not as smart as we think!" Morgan growled.

"He probably started when he was younger, 16 maybe? He has had a tough run Morgan, the poor kid. He obviously didn't think this through," Hotch sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"The beach with J.J. he was upset," Morgan said slightly calmer.

"What about it?" Hotch asked Morgan.

"He was 6 years old when his own father tried to drown him and fucking molested him. He was just 6 Hotch," Morgan snarled, his fist coliding with the wall.

"Fuck," Hotch sighed.

"He should have trusted us," Morgan said. Hotch simply nodded.

"When can we see him?" Hotch asked.

"I don't know, they wont tell me anything other than that he's in a critical condition and he has lost a lot of blood. But he will be fine and I need to calm down and let them do their fucking job," Morgan huffed, crossing his arms across his chest.

"They're right Morgan. He will be ok, you need to be patient. For the moment, we need to call the rest of the team."


	7. Chapter 7

"You sure the wounds are self inflicted?" J.J. asked weakly with a sniffle. She knew that was a stupid question. A very stupid question. She just couldn't wrap her mind around the thought of Spencer cutting himself.

"I'm sure J.J." Morgan said softly, draping an arm around her shoulder. J.J. didn't reply as more tears raced down her colourless cheaks.

The team sat sad and on edge in the waiting room hoping to go and see their genius. All of them couldn't help but blame themselves. They were profilers, they should have seen that he was suffering.

"You guys here for doctor Spencer Reid?" A wild looking nurse smiled at them. Her green eyes were bouncing with energy and her firey red hair fell in loose ringlets. They all nodded and jumped to their feet.

"He is out of surgery. He is asleep at the moment but everything went well and he should be fine physically, " The nurse said in a tone that was way too happy for their liking.

"Physically?" Morgan asked. Her smile faded slightly and she awkwardly clutched her note pad to her chest.

"He seems to have older scars on his arm and this looks like it could have been a suicide attempt. Something in his past has triggered this or he is is probably suffering from extreme depression or some sort of mental disorder," she said.

"There is nothing wrong with him! He's just confused!" Morgan snapped. She gasped and stepped away from the angry agent.

"Morgan, she's just doing her job. When can we see him?" Hotch said. No matter what was going on Hotch seemed to always remain calm and professional. Morgan had no idea how he did it.

"Now, if you want to. He probably wont be awake for atleast another hour and it would be best not to crowd him so no more than three at a time," She said, her eyes darting nervously to and from Morgan.

"Ok, thank you," Hotch said. The nurse nodded and gave them a quick smile before racing off.


	8. Chapter 8

Reid groaned. His whole body ached and his skin felt on fire. If only he could find the will power to lift his eyelids but they felt like they were being weighed down by a thousand bricks.

Spencer felt something squeeze his hand causing him to groan agian.

"Come on Spence," he heard a female voice tinkle. The voice sounded so familiar. He clawed and tugged at his memory.

"J.J.?" He croaked, immediatly regreting his decision. Razorblades. That's the first thing that came to Reid's mind to explain the burning in his throat. Like he had swallowed a jar of sharp, little razorblades.

Razorblades. The memories hit him like he was an iceburg and they were the titanic. Blood. Lots and lots of blood. The crimson liquid was everywhere. It stained the tiles, his clothes and it just continued to drip. How did he not bleed to death?

His eyes snapped open to reveal and pair of paniced hazel orbs. "Where am I?" He gasped, eyes darting around the small room. The thing that gave it away at first was the smell. Antiseptic and sickness flooded his nose. He was in a hostipal. His team had to have found out his deadly secret. They would think he was just a weak, stupid freak. No more days as a FBI agent for Spencer Reid. He would be fired for sure.

"You're in the hostipal, Spence. You tried to... kill yourself," J.J. said, her voice low and you could hear she was trying her best to hold back tears. Reid's eyes widened with horror and he quickly shook his head. He ignored his splitting headache.

"I wasn't trying to commit suicide, it was an accident." J.J. let out a small sigh of relief and gave Reid a watery smile. She held onto his hand even tighter. "I'm sorry," Reid whispered, his tone apologetic and ashamed.

"Don't say that. We are all here for you, it's ok Spencer," J.J. brushed a strand of hair from Reid's face and tucked it behind his ear. J.J. used his first name which made it personal. Like they were actual friends.

"Really?" He mumbled. He lifted his eyes to meet J.J.'s icey blue pools. She just nodded and pulled him into a careful hug.


End file.
